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Leaving a Girlfriend

Question:

How do I give up a relationship with my girlfriend?

Answer:

A person generally establishes a relationship with a girlfriend because he is looking for love, happiness and acceptance. However, after taking this route, people eventually realize that the happiness is short-lived and shallow. They realise that these relationships merely put you on an emotional rollercoaster, and the ride ends in nothing but depression and misery.

Why is This So?

The reason is that Allah Ta‘ala is the Creator of all happiness, and He has placed true happiness in His obedience alone. The result is that a person’s heart will ONLY find true solace and happiness if Allah Ta‘ala is happy with him.

If a person has to feed ice cream to a new-born baby, the baby would enjoy it and perhaps even cry for more. However, the baby’s system is designed to thrive on milk alone, and so the ice cream would make the baby extremely sick. Likewise, our hearts are designed to thrive on the obedience of Allah Ta‘ala. If we try to nourish our hearts with sin, then although we might seem to enjoy for that moment, our hearts will eventually become sick and miserable.

How to Leave Her?

The breakup must be done ASAP, in fact NOW, and ALL contact must be totally severed. Do not inform her of the break up yourself, as she will then argue, fight and debate with you to try and make you feel guilty and salvage the relationship. Rather let the news reach her via some third party. Make it clear that you want to have zero contact with her. If necessary, change your phone number and other contact details and keep no trace of her number as well. Block her number and other means of contacting you.

The After-Effect:

After some time passes, you may begin to miss the girlfriend and regret the breakup. This is the attack of shaitaan who is trying his best to make your taubah collapse. You may be tempted to message her or speak to her ‘for old time’s sake’. Your nafs will deceive you and tell you that it will be ‘one last time’. You may even feel that you ‘owe it to her’. When she is partly responsible for Allah Ta‘ala being angry with you, then what do you owe her??? Rather, she owes it to herself to make taubah and stop her indecent behaviour.

Whatever happens, DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF CONTACTING HER IN ANY WAY. If you do, you will be back at square one as you will then pine for more and more contact.

Maintenance Plan:

It is thus vital for you to establish a maintenance plan for your taubah to remain intact.

We suggest that you do the following:

1. Keep the company of pious friends who will motivate you to remain firm. Stay far from such friends who will tempt you back into sin – especially friends that have contact with your ex-girlfriend.

2. Try to establish contact with a pious, senior ‘aalim. Confide in him and tell him your challenges and problems. He will guide you and make du‘aa for you.

3. Try to go out in jamaat for some time. The environment and activities of the jamaat will do wonders for soothing your heart and repairing the damage.

4. Read all your salaah in the masjid, and try to sit in the musjid for some time everyday (even if it is for 5 minutes), whether it is to listen to a program or to make ‘ibaadah.

5. Make tilaawat of the Quraan Majeed daily.

6. Make zikr daily (100 x istighfaar, 100 x durood and 100 x third kalimah).

7. Make du‘aa daily and beg Allah Ta‘ala to save you from falling back into sin. One easy method of doing this is to make du‘aa after every salaah, even if it is for just 2 minutes.

The Rewards:

The person who leaves sin out of the fear of Allah Ta‘ala will be rewarded by receiving not one but two Jannahs![1] But furthermore, he will receive the love of Allah Ta‘ala, and when Allah Ta‘ala loves a person, his life in this world will also become like Jannah.

Conclusion:

If it ever seems impossible to leave her, or after leaving her, it seems impossible to stay away, then remember that there were countless people who left their girlfriends, changed their lives and found the love of Allah Ta‘ala. If they did it, so can you. To leave your girlfriend is not to lose the person you love, rather it is to regain the love that you lost – the love of Allah Ta‘ala.

May Allah Ta‘ala make it easy for you and guide you, aameen.

[1] See here for an inspirational incident in this regard.

2019-07-20T08:30:57+02:00Q&A|

How do I Save Myself in the Holidays?

Question:

I am in high school. Soon the exams will be over and the holidays will commence. Many boys and girls are planning various wrong activities to which I am also being invited. The temptations and the peer pressure are very strong. How do I save myself from falling prey to the temptation? Please advise.

Answer:

You have mentioned something very interesting…  that the exams will soon be over. Indeed the exams will very soon be over — precisely at the moment that this short life expires. When the angel of death will suddenly snatch one’s soul out of the body, the alarm would have been sounded that it is time to exit from the examination room. There will be no grace – not even for one second. One will be carried out of the “examination room” on the shoulders of men and buried under tons of sand, six feet deep. Then it will be time either for the most spectacular celebration… or it will be the beginning of the worst sorrow and grief over the greatest failure ever. Therefore, while it is true that the exams will be soon over, it is nevertheless ongoing until the last breath.

The greatest part of the exam of life is “temptation” and “desires”. This is actually the crux of the test of life. The one who manages to curb his desires, does not submit to temptations and remains in the obedience of his Creator, has passed the test. Otherwise he has failed. Therefore Allah Ta‘ala warns us: “Who can be more deviated than the one who follows his desires, without any guidance from Allah Ta‘ala.

In order to pass the very minor examination in this world, people make great sacrifices. Likewise, sacrifices will have to be made to suppress the haraam desires and not to give in to temptations.

Some of the aspects that will insha-Allah help one to be saved are the following:

  1. Meditation: If you are serious about staying safe, use your heart and mind to think and meditate. Think about the bounties that Allah Ta‘ala has showered upon you. Can the entire world together give you one eye or a finger? Is it then not the height of ingratitude to use these limbs to disobey the One who blessed you with them?

Ponder deeply about death. Remind yourself that death could come at any moment. Imagine your own death in detail.

Think about the destruction and disgrace you will bring to yourself, your family and others if you follow your haraam desires.

Most importantly, meditate upon the reality that Allah Ta‘ala is All Knowing, He knows where you are going, what you are doing… and what you are thinking! You are certainly ashamed to commit sins in front of your parents or other elders. Should you not be ashamed of committing sins in front of Allah Ta‘ala???

  1. Zikr: Daily spend some time in the remembrance of Allah Ta‘ala. With the presence of the heart at least recite istighfaar, the third kalimah and durood shareef 100 times each. Regard this as essential spiritual food. If you have missed out on the zikr for the day, it is as if you have starved. Also recite some portion of the Quraan Majeed daily.
  2. Company: It is vitally important that you totally refrain from bad company and adopt pious friends. If you sit in the company of a smoker, the least is that you will breathe the toxic second-hand smoke. It is more likely that you will also end up smoking. The same applies with everything else that the friends do — you will end up doing the same. The company will either make you or break you. Bad company will eventually destroy your deen, health, wealth, respect and everything else. A simple and extremely effective way of remaining in a good environment and avoiding bad company, is to go out in the path of Allah Ta‘ala.

The long term solution is that you link yourself to some pious personality and take his advice on how to avoid the traps of nafs and Shaitaan and remain steadfast on deen. Insha-Allah with his guidance you will be able to progress in deen and dunya.

2018-12-01T08:00:56+02:00Q&A|

Speaking Lies

Question:

I have a problem of speaking lies. I have tried to stop this bad habit, but always end up falling into it again. Please tell me what I can do to stop speaking lies.

Answer:

Generally, lies are spoken by youth to impress others or to deceive their parents, teachers or any person that has some authority over them. However, lying is a serious sin, as the curse of Allah Ta‘ala is upon the liars. (Aal ‘Imraan v61)

It is reported in a hadeeth that lying is a characteristic of the hypocrite (Saheeh Bukhaari #33). In another hadeeth, it is reported that Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) said, “Beware of lying as lying leads to wickedness, and wickedness leads to hell.” (Saheeh Muslim #6639) It is furthermore reported that when a person lies, a stench emanates from his mouth which the angels perceive, due to which they flee away to the distance of one mile. (Sunan Tirmizi #1972)

Ponder over these ahaadeeth daily for a minute or two, until such a time that the reality settles firmly in your heart.

Furthermore, keep in mind that one lie leads to another lie, until a person becomes a habitual liar and gets caught in his own lies. The embarrassment that he then faces is severe and people lose all trust and confidence in him.

In future, if you ever speak a lie, then immediately go and retract the lie. If you cannot do so immediately, then do so as soon as you can. Go to the person and tell him that you lied and regret your action. If you commit yourself to doing this, you will find it very difficult to speak a lie, and Allah Ta‘ala forbid, if it does happen, then after applying this penalty once or twice, it will completely stop insha-Allah.

2018-10-20T10:17:53+02:00Q&A|

Satanic Beliefs

Question:

I have a problem where I have a family member and a group of friends who are involved in satanic beliefs. I know I’m a Muslim, but sometimes I feel influenced. What must I do?

Answer:

The fact that you have taken the courage to ask this question, and you mention that you know you are Muslim, shows that you have imaan. Allah Ta‘ala will make a way out for you, insha-Allah.

1. You are becoming influenced by these satanic beliefs because you are interacting with people who have such beliefs and you are entertaining their ideologies. For the sake of your Aakhirah, totally refrain from such company. Make up some excuse for your inability to be with them. You may blame it on chores or studies. Also do find good and pious company to associate with.

As for your family member – try to get some pious, learned family member to advise him and encourage him to leave the satanic beliefs.

2. If these satanic beliefs have really created a doubt in your mind regarding your imaan and Deen, then go to a learned and experienced ‘Aalim and speak to him. Explain your doubts to him so that he can clear your mind and save your imaan.

3. Frequent the gatherings of the pious. Engage in zikr, tilaawat and du‘aa daily. Fix a time for these aa’maal and be very consistent upon them.

Nabi (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam) says, “Shaitaan lays his snout on the heart of the son of Adam. When he remembers Allah, Shaitaan withdraws (moves away), and when he is negligent of Allah Ta‘ala, Shaitaan attacks his heart (i.e. incites towards evil).” (Shu‘abul Imaan #536)

The above hadeeth lays emphasis on the importance of zikr in order to be saved from the wasaawis (whispers) of Shaitaan.

May Allah Ta‘ala save us all from the evils of the nafs and Shaitaan.

And Allah knows best.

2018-07-07T08:22:12+02:00Q&A|

How to Stop Swearing?

Question:

I have a problem where I swear all the time. What can I do to stop swearing?

Answer:

Youth fall into the bad habit of swearing for a few reasons. Some of them are:

– Their circle of friends have the habit of swearing.

– They think that it’s cool and macho to use swear words.

– They watch movies with swearing (watching any movie is impermissible. The swearing just makes it worse).

The solution is for you to exercise restraint. If there is no pain, there will be no gain.

Attempt the following:

  1. The first step is taubah. Sincerely repent for the past and beg Allah Ta‘ala’s forgiveness. Wash off the spiritual impurity on the tongue by means of the tears of taubah.
  2. Inform your close friends that you are trying to give up this evil and request them to point out your fault every time you swear. Insha-Allah this will be very effective in helping you to refrain from this in the future.
  3. Daily for a few minutes meditate on the following: If you give someone a very expensive, shiny spoon as a gift, but then see him using that spoon to pick up the dog’s droppings, will you be happy to see this? Obviously not. Instead you will think that he is the most ungrateful person around. Likewise, Allah Ta‘ala has blessed you with this invaluable ‘spoon’ of the tongue. Even if one spends an entire gold mine, you cannot buy a ‘spoon’ like a tongue. It was given to you to ‘dish out’ sweet words and such talk that will take you closer to Allah Ta‘ala. Instead, you are soiling it in that which is more impure than dog’s droppings!!!
  4. Fix a fine that you will force yourself to pay every time you swear e.g. R1 in sadaqah for the first time you swear, then R2 for the second time you swear and so forth. Insha-Allah as the bill escalates, your nafs will feel the pressure and will gradually come under control.
  5. Allah Ta‘ala loves His servants who try and cry. Take out a few minutes to daily ask Allah Ta‘ala for a pure tongue with pure speech.

May Allah Ta‘ala make it easy for you to give up this habit.

2018-03-29T09:23:06+02:00Q&A|

Parents Don’t Want Me to become an ‘Aalim

Question:

I am in school and I want to do the ‘Aalim course. How do I convince my parents and family? They don’t want me to become an ‘Aalim, they want me to become a doctor instead.

Answer:

Becoming an ‘Aalim of Deen is an excellent choice. However, also try your utmost to acquire the blessings, happiness and du‘aas of your parents.

Every parent wants the best future for their child. In your case, your parents feel that the medical field holds the best future for you. However, the harms and dangers that affect a person’s imaan and Deen in the university environments worldwide are well known to one and all.

On account of these serious dangers, we encourage you to respectfully and lovingly speak to your parents so that you may try to convince them to allow you to become an ‘Aalim instead of sending you to a university.

Below are some guidelines that will assist you in changing your parents’ minds and winning their hearts:

  1. Never under estimate the power of du‘aa – especially at the accepted times (i.e. at the time of tahajjud, after the five fardh salaah, on a Friday between the two khutbahs, when travelling and the du‘aas of the pious).
  2. Conduct ta‘leem at home with constancy and with the intention that when ta‘leem changed the hearts of so many people, it can certainly change the heart of your parents. Remember that Allah Ta‘ala changes hearts. Your parents’ hearts are in His hands.
  3. Get the support of some of your pious relatives, some ‘Ulama or some pious doctors whom your parents respect and admire. Ask them to speak to your parents and appeal to them on your behalf.
  4. Even though you are a student, give some sadaqah (a few Rands, some food or even some clothes) according to what you can manage. This should be given to some poor person.

May Allah Ta‘ala bless you with every good and ease, aameen

2018-01-22T07:41:27+02:00Q&A|

Non-Muslim Friends

Question:

Are we allowed to have non-Muslim friends?

Answer:

Islam teaches us that we should treat all creatures, whether human or animal, with kindness and compassion. Thus when even animals must be treated with kindness, it is obvious that we should display good character to all human beings to an even greater extent – even non-Muslims – treating them with justice, kindness and compassion. In fact, in many instances good character and politeness became the means of attracting non-Muslims to Islam.

It should be borne in mind that although we display good character to non-Muslims, we cannot be friends with them. Good treatment is a different issue from friendship. Friendship entails giving place in one’s heart for some one. Friends become close to one another, develop a bond and close relationship and even have some love for one another. How can a Muslim ever have love for a non-Muslim who, at every moment, rejects Allah Ta‘ala and denies His infinite favours? For this reason, Allah Ta‘ala instructs us in the Quraan Majeed, “The Believers should not take the disbelievers as friends.” (Surah Aal ‘Imraan, v28)

Non-Muslims have no laws of Deen to follow and so they do as they please. When we are friends with them, we will automatically be expected to conform to their way. To do this, one will speak like them, behave like them and even dress like them. In doing so, he abandons the way of Rasulullah (sallallahu ‘alaihi wasallam), choosing the way of the disbelievers instead. If their circle of friends includes girls, one will have to be friendly with the girls as well. Naturally, it is difficult to be a friend, yet always say ‘No’. Eventually, a person feels bad and does not wish to hurt his friend, so he compromises on Deen. First one haraam, then the next, until there is no Deen left at all!

While interacting with them, it is natural that certain topics will be discussed. Sometimes, aspects of Deen are also discussed. Often, because our imaan is weak and we lack the knowledge and understanding of Deen, when the non-Muslim friend gives his opinion on Deeni matters or raises objections against them, we become influenced and affected. We thereafter begin to doubt our own Deen, and some people have even gone as far as leaving the fold of Islam (may Allah Ta‘ala save us).

Similarly, many a Muslim boy or girl has fallen into a same-sex relationship after befriending a non-Muslim who had this tendency, as they were corrupted by the mindset and unnatural, filthy inclinations of this person.

It is clear that for the sake of our imaan and Deen, we should never befriend non-Muslims, although we will be polite to them and deal with them with good character.

 

2017-10-28T14:52:01+02:00Q&A|

No Desire to do Good

Question:

I don’t have the desire to do good actions. I feel no eagerness and motivation for acts of worship and Deen. Please advise me.

Answer:

Such conditions are generally caused by two actions; misuse of the eyes (casting lustful glances, watching movies, etc) and consuming things that are doubtful.

Misusing the eyes is one of the things that are most destructive for the soul. It deprives one of finding any pleasure and happiness in good actions. Instead, one will only feel attracted to things that are haraam.

Consuming things that are doubtful also has a similar effect. You should think carefully as to whether you have acquired any doubtful income or consumed any doubtful food. Perhaps you took or used something without the owner’s permission.

Ponder as to which of these two actions apply to you and immediately make amends.

2017-08-19T08:34:56+02:00Q&A|

Missing a Girl

Question:

I miss this one girl. I can’t stay without her. What do I do?

Answer:

The Nafs (one’s carnal, base desires) and Shaitaan are old ‘pros’. The mind games they play have baffled, confused and misled many. The whispers and thoughts which they plant in your mind all seem so real. However, the feelings of emptiness, loneliness and sadness you are experiencing are dilemmas you can overcome if you adopt the correct channels and procedures.

Firstly, reason out and discuss the entire issue with yourself. Ask yourself, “How is it that I survived without this girl from birth until now?” When you ask yourself this question, you will realise that you were hoodwinked by Shaitaan and your Nafs into thinking that you need this girl as much as you need air to survive. Exaggerations and storms in a teacup are part of the devils networking. Feelings are magnified to create situations of distress and want.

Try thinking in this way: “Allah Ta‘ala is my sole Sustainer and my Rabb. Can I do without Him? No! Never! It’s impossible!” It’s obvious that your heart will yearn for its Provider. Once you have realigned your compass and are facing the right direction, beg Allah Ta‘ala for His closeness. Allah Ta‘ala grants his special closeness to those who seek it and often grants them much, much, more than they even expected or hoped for.

Although not major, being without this girl definitely is a pain. However, run this thought through your heart: “Getting this girl may cure one little pain but will also open deeper wounds in its place. These wounds will then cause everlasting pain”.

Look at a few simple examples which we see on a day to day basis. A person at the dentist always opts for an extraction (which will bring him minor discomfort) instead of keeping a decayed tooth (which will give him sleepless nights and miserable days). Another example to drive the point home – You are on table mountain. It’s freezing and icy wet winds are lashing the mountain. The cable car company asks you to be patient as they will transport you down in a few hours time when the weather improves. Waiting on the mountain is obviously irritating and frustrating and every minute seems like hours. Would you ever consider climbing down the mountain on your own to avoid the two hour delay? If you did, people would be shocked and ask, “Are you mad? Have you lost it? Can’t you be reasonable? Have you got a death wish?” In short, having no patience in this situation will be as good as committing suicide. Waiting the two agonizing hours is, beyond a shadow of doubt, the wise option.

Remember, an idle mind is the devils workshop so try to always keep yourself busy in constructive activities. Remain engaged in durood and istighfaar. Don’t plan to or make it such that you cross this girl’s path. Totally avoid all contact; BBM, Whatsapp, etc. Give all the gifts which she had given you away in sadaqah. Burn or delete all photos of her. Join the company of those who don’t remind you of her. All in all, to achieve your goal of being close to Allah Ta‘ala, you will have to cast her out of your life. When this is done, Allah Ta‘ala will soothe your heart with a happiness which you have never felt before (insha-Allah). A feeling of peace and calmness will overcome you which has such value that it cannot be purchased by any amount of wealth.

There are thousands from the servants of Allah Ta‘ala who have carried out the above procedures. They have persisted and resisted and as it has worked for them, it will surely work for you as well. Make the first move and Allah Ta‘ala will do the rest for you, aameen.

2016-02-18T14:20:10+02:00Q&A|

Addicted

Question:

I smoke “weed”, watch haraam on my phone and I am involved in unnatural behaviour. I cannot do without these things though I know it is wrong and sinful. Please advise how I can overcome this condition.

Answer:

The answer to this important question requires much detail which is beyond the scope of this concise answer. Some points are nevertheless mentioned hereunder. For further guidance you should contact a senior experienced ‘Aalim in your community.

  1. Overcoming an addiction requires several aspects: patience, courage, commitment, lifestyle adjustments, sacrifice, and most of all, the strengthening of one’s imaan and consciousness of the Aakhirah (Hereafter). Considering that an addiction has led numerous people to the destruction of their deen and dunya, all the effort and sacrifice that is made is worth it.
  2. To strengthen your imaan, adopt pious company at all times. Keep yourself as much as possible in the environment of deen. Join the daily ta’leem in the Musjid and go out with the jamaats in the path of Allah Ta‘ala as often as you can. You should also seriously consider linking up with a shaikh who you are compatible with, whom you can confide in and take guidance from.
  3. You must pluck up the courage to give up sin, beg Allah Ta‘ala for courage and request the pious to make du‘aa for you to be granted courage.
  4. Daily make istighfaar 100 times very consciously. Likewise recite durood shareef 100 times daily. Then recite “Laa hawla walaa quwwata illa billaahil ‘aliyyil ‘azeem” as often as possible. Dedicate some time for the recitation of the Quraan Majeed.
  5. Undertake the following meditations daily without fail:

– Imagine that you are engrossed in your evil habit. Just at that moment you were caught in the act by your entire family. Your sin has been exposed. Someone then broadcasts it on social media. Think of the disgrace and humiliation. Imagine that your wife has packed her bags and left and your parents have thrown you out. Nobody wants to accommodate you … Imagine the worst consequences and let this horrendous picture sink in. Do this without fail morning and evening. Furthermore, whenever you are tempted, immediately replay this in your mind.

– Meditate over your own death. Imagine that your body has gone limp while the drug is wedged between your fingers or the phone is in your hand with the filth playing on. Soon people will walk in and see you dead in this condition. Is this how you wish to die? Then think of yourself being lowered into the ground and buried under tons of sand. Imagine the questioning of the angels in the grave. What answer will you have? Engrave this scene on your heart. Then make taubah and firmly resolve never to commit the evil again. (Bear in mind that these meditations are like anti-biotics. Their benefit will be achieved if done consistently and the full course is taken. In this case the full course is at least 40 days).

In brief, also adhere to the following:

  1. Never be in denial. Confide in someone you trust and seek help. There are many out there who are ready to help. Do not delay in asking for their help.
  2. Do not remain idle. Always be occupied constructively. Consult an experienced ‘Aalim and acquire some good deeni literature which you should read daily. In particular, read the biographies of the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) and other pious personalities of the Ummah.
  3. Remove all the triggers – the company you keep, the smart phone that makes you become a total slave of the worst filth, etc. The company you keep is crucial. It will make or break you. Those who encourage you or lead you towards sin are not your friends. They are Shaitaan’s agents in human form. If you are abusing the phone … BREAK IT, or get rid of it. Do this NOW before it breaks your deen, marriage and life. Keep a very simple basic phone instead, especially one which has no internet access. If you want to stop but do not want to get rid of the smart phone, you are not being smart. You are just fooling yourself.
  4. Engage in a daily exercise program at home.

Remember well that if a concerted effort is not made and the addiction is not overcome, it could “explode” at any time and ruin one’s deen, respect and family – may Allah Ta‘ala protect us all.

2015-08-22T05:56:55+02:00Q&A|
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