I miss this one girl. I can’t stay without her. What do I do?
The Nafs (one’s carnal, base desires) and Shaitaan are old ‘pros’. The mind games they play have baffled, confused and misled many. The whispers and thoughts which they plant in your mind all seem so real. However, the feelings of emptiness, loneliness and sadness you are experiencing are dilemmas you can overcome if you adopt the correct channels and procedures.
Firstly, reason out and discuss the entire issue with yourself. Ask yourself, “How is it that I survived without this girl from birth until now?” When you ask yourself this question, you will realise that you were hoodwinked by Shaitaan and your Nafs into thinking that you need this girl as much as you need air to survive. Exaggerations and storms in a teacup are part of the devils networking. Feelings are magnified to create situations of distress and want.
Try thinking in this way: “Allah Ta‘ala is my sole Sustainer and my Rabb. Can I do without Him? No! Never! It’s impossible!” It’s obvious that your heart will yearn for its Provider. Once you have realigned your compass and are facing the right direction, beg Allah Ta‘ala for His closeness. Allah Ta‘ala grants his special closeness to those who seek it and often grants them much, much, more than they even expected or hoped for.
Although not major, being without this girl definitely is a pain. However, run this thought through your heart: “Getting this girl may cure one little pain but will also open deeper wounds in its place. These wounds will then cause everlasting pain”.
Look at a few simple examples which we see on a day to day basis. A person at the dentist always opts for an extraction (which will bring him minor discomfort) instead of keeping a decayed tooth (which will give him sleepless nights and miserable days). Another example to drive the point home – You are on table mountain. It’s freezing and icy wet winds are lashing the mountain. The cable car company asks you to be patient as they will transport you down in a few hours time when the weather improves. Waiting on the mountain is obviously irritating and frustrating and every minute seems like hours. Would you ever consider climbing down the mountain on your own to avoid the two hour delay? If you did, people would be shocked and ask, “Are you mad? Have you lost it? Can’t you be reasonable? Have you got a death wish?” In short, having no patience in this situation will be as good as committing suicide. Waiting the two agonizing hours is, beyond a shadow of doubt, the wise option.
Remember, an idle mind is the devils workshop so try to always keep yourself busy in constructive activities. Remain engaged in durood and istighfaar. Don’t plan to or make it such that you cross this girl’s path. Totally avoid all contact; BBM, Whatsapp, etc. Give all the gifts which she had given you away in sadaqah. Burn or delete all photos of her. Join the company of those who don’t remind you of her. All in all, to achieve your goal of being close to Allah Ta‘ala, you will have to cast her out of your life. When this is done, Allah Ta‘ala will soothe your heart with a happiness which you have never felt before (insha-Allah). A feeling of peace and calmness will overcome you which has such value that it cannot be purchased by any amount of wealth.
There are thousands from the servants of Allah Ta‘ala who have carried out the above procedures. They have persisted and resisted and as it has worked for them, it will surely work for you as well. Make the first move and Allah Ta‘ala will do the rest for you, aameen.
I smoke “weed”, watch haraam on my phone and I am involved in unnatural behaviour. I cannot do without these things though I know it is wrong and sinful. Please advise how I can overcome this condition.
The answer to this important question requires much detail which is beyond the scope of this concise answer. Some points are nevertheless mentioned hereunder. For further guidance you should contact a senior experienced ‘Aalim in your community.
- Overcoming an addiction requires several aspects: patience, courage, commitment, lifestyle adjustments, sacrifice, and most of all, the strengthening of one’s imaan and consciousness of the Aakhirah (Hereafter). Considering that an addiction has led numerous people to the destruction of their deen and dunya, all the effort and sacrifice that is made is worth it.
- To strengthen your imaan, adopt pious company at all times. Keep yourself as much as possible in the environment of deen. Join the daily ta’leem in the Musjid and go out with the jamaats in the path of Allah Ta‘ala as often as you can. You should also seriously consider linking up with a shaikh who you are compatible with, whom you can confide in and take guidance from.
- You must pluck up the courage to give up sin, beg Allah Ta‘ala for courage and request the pious to make du‘aa for you to be granted courage.
- Daily make istighfaar 100 times very consciously. Likewise recite durood shareef 100 times daily. Then recite “Laa hawla walaa quwwata illa billaahil ‘aliyyil ‘azeem” as often as possible. Dedicate some time for the recitation of the Quraan Majeed.
- Undertake the following meditations daily without fail:
– Imagine that you are engrossed in your evil habit. Just at that moment you were caught in the act by your entire family. Your sin has been exposed. Someone then broadcasts it on social media. Think of the disgrace and humiliation. Imagine that your wife has packed her bags and left and your parents have thrown you out. Nobody wants to accommodate you … Imagine the worst consequences and let this horrendous picture sink in. Do this without fail morning and evening. Furthermore, whenever you are tempted, immediately replay this in your mind.
– Meditate over your own death. Imagine that your body has gone limp while the drug is wedged between your fingers or the phone is in your hand with the filth playing on. Soon people will walk in and see you dead in this condition. Is this how you wish to die? Then think of yourself being lowered into the ground and buried under tons of sand. Imagine the questioning of the angels in the grave. What answer will you have? Engrave this scene on your heart. Then make taubah and firmly resolve never to commit the evil again. (Bear in mind that these meditations are like anti-biotics. Their benefit will be achieved if done consistently and the full course is taken. In this case the full course is at least 40 days).
In brief, also adhere to the following:
- Never be in denial. Confide in someone you trust and seek help. There are many out there who are ready to help. Do not delay in asking for their help.
- Do not remain idle. Always be occupied constructively. Consult an experienced ‘Aalim and acquire some good deeni literature which you should read daily. In particular, read the biographies of the Sahaabah (radhiyallahu ‘anhum) and other pious personalities of the Ummah.
- Remove all the triggers – the company you keep, the smart phone that makes you become a total slave of the worst filth, etc. The company you keep is crucial. It will make or break you. Those who encourage you or lead you towards sin are not your friends. They are Shaitaan’s agents in human form. If you are abusing the phone … BREAK IT, or get rid of it. Do this NOW before it breaks your deen, marriage and life. Keep a very simple basic phone instead, especially one which has no internet access. If you want to stop but do not want to get rid of the smart phone, you are not being smart. You are just fooling yourself.
- Engage in a daily exercise program at home.
Remember well that if a concerted effort is not made and the addiction is not overcome, it could “explode” at any time and ruin one’s deen, respect and family – may Allah Ta‘ala protect us all.